


this is me trying

by runimpossiblegirl



Category: Bridgerton (TV), Bridgerton Series - Julia Quinn
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fix-It, Hopeful Ending, It ends in the same place as the season, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Show canon divergent!, tw: miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:34:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28642284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/runimpossiblegirl/pseuds/runimpossiblegirl
Summary: Penelope writes two columns. One is possibly the only way to save the man she loves but it will also bring ruin to her family. The other will allow everything to proceed as it is, crushing her every dream and hope. One goes to the printer, the other to the fire.Or: Penelope can’t ruin Marina and is absolutely miserably while Colin doesn’t understand anything.
Relationships: Colin Bridgerton/Marina Thompson, Colin Bridgerton/Penelope Featherington
Comments: 26
Kudos: 422





	this is me trying

**Author's Note:**

> This is very self indulgent and I don't know if anyone is going to find it as interesting as me because there's not that much romance, but with seventeen pages written it had to be posted. 
> 
> I really hated the way Penelope revealed Marina's pregnancy and wanted to write a way to fix it and take things to the same point on the season finale without destroying her character but also getting Marina and Philip to their book story, where the (future) children are his. Anyway, here it is!

There had been a horse and a badly tied bonnet the day she fell in love. She remembers the moment perfectly: the race, Colin hitting the floor and smiling instead of getting angry, the mothers and girls fusing around him and her losing her heart for the nice man with wild hair and green eyes. It had been that easy.

And now.

And now.

Now there was a garden party, and Colin looking as handsome as ever while taking Marina’s hand and claiming they are getting married. Looking at her in a way no one has ever looked at Penelope, plain Penelope Featherington, out in a season she didn’t even wanted yet.

Married to Marina, a girl Penelope actually liked, a girl she had wanted as a friend because she doesn’t have that many and _isn’t it lovely to have friends?_ A pregnant girl desperate enough to lie to a good man because a not-so-good man has abandoned her. But it was not fair.

Not to Colin. Not to the rest of the Bridgertons. Not to Penelope.

But it seemed as if no one wanted to listen to what she had to say. Her mother only wanted to get Marina away before any scandal—as if the Bridgertons learning about the pregnancy after the wedding could be easily brushed under the rug—and even encouraged her to trap him. Marina treated her like a child whose feelings were insignificant, as if her delicate condition was a justification to ruin someone else’s life, someone Penelope loves.

But Colin had been the worst. To get the nerve to actually talk to him, to warn him at least of the truth of Marina’s affections—she couldn’t get herself to speak about her condition with him—and having Colin ignore it? That had destroyed her all over again and she’d thought _he’s really going to feed her tomatoes from Greece_ and then walked away before he could see her falling apart in front of him.

She had left that dreadful dinner desperate, sharing only the smallest smile with Lady Bridgerton—who didn’t look a lot happier that her—and ignoring all the rest, including Marina’s attempts to catch her eyes or Colin’s goodbyes.

Nothing was right anymore. This engagement, her friendship with Eloise, her mother behavior… not even the dresses she was forced to use. But she could do something about the engagement at least. She had the power to do it. Not as Penelope of course, but as Lady Whistledown. Nobody in the ton suspected her, not even Eloise, and everybody knew there was no secret for the writer so it would be very easy to reveal everything and stop this mess with no one the wiser about it.

With the idea now rooted in her head she retired to her room and started to write—even if she already had the next column ready to be delivered to the printer—about Marina’s pregnancy, about how it had happened before her arrival at the Featherington’s house, about the implications for the Thompson-Bridgerton wedding. She wrote it all, knowing that her pen would be enough to correct this wrong.

But once she was finished—with both columns in her hands—she started to think.

Was she ready to wield this power to destroy a young woman’s life? And what about the life of her unborn child? Life wasn’t easy for women, but it was certainly harder for unmarried girls who encountered themselves in this position. Would Marina be forced to a work house? Maybe something even worse. What if her words ended up with her a beggar? Could Penelope’s conscience survive it?

There was also the reputation of her sisters. They would not get untouched out of this scandal, one of her sisters already had a prospect and he would certainly run away. They would stop receiving invitations, probably be shunned by all the ton. The queen herself would exclude them and her mother would be furious and hurt and desperately looking for someone to blame inside the household.

And the Bridgertons… She knew they would be alright eventually. Daphne was a Duchess now, and, more importantly, everyone would give Colin their support. It was clear that Lady Bridgerton nor Anthony were happy with this match, but she also knew they would never want for Colin to be treated this way. They would have to leave to Aubrey Hall to avoid the all talking and Colin…

Penelope suddenly realized she’d started crying while lost in her thoughts. She loved Colin, even if Marina thought it was a childish thing that would never happen, she loved him. Had loved him since that first afternoon and she would never hurt him. Not even if it costed her everything. Not if there was even a slim chance he could be happy.

Sobbing now, she walked to the fire in her room and threw the newest column. Things would proceed as fate wanted she thought as she watched it burn. And Penelope would try to find happiness in her beloved from far away.

“Penelope?” asked Marina knocking softly on her door. But Penelope just laid on her bed and put a pillow over head to cry without being heard.

She would try. But she’d start tomorrow.

“Colin, Lady Whistledown mentioned you and Marina today,” said Hyacinth as soon as he entered the room to break his fast.

“Something bad?” he asked walking to the table fully laid with all his favorites.

“She talks about how this is almost as surprising as Daphne’s match and how you picked at least the Featherington that looked good in yellow, even if she’s just tangentially related to them.”

“That’s not nice,” said Eloise from across his place. “Even if it’s not completely false,” she sighed. Eloise was always already to be Penelope’s champion but it was undeniable that Portia Featherington fashion sense was not the best for her daughters.

“Where’s Anthony?” he asked after eating a good portion of eggs and bacon.

“He went for a ride early and hasn’t come back yet,” said his mother without looking at him. “What are your plans for today?”

“I—” Colin had always been close to his family and having his mother disapprove of his match was making him uncomfortable. Couldn’t they see he was happy? “I was thinking on calling on Miss Thompson and taking her for a stroll on the park, inviting Penelope and her sisters too, of course,” he added. Having Penelope around was always entertaining. She was funny and witty and always looked happy to see him. And he needed a bit of that today.

_Even if she didn’t look happy yesterday at dinner._

His mother nodded but didn’t add anything and Colin started to lose his appetite. He was a grown man of two and twenty and he knew what was best for him even if nobody else agreed.

Thirty minutes later Colin, Marina and Philippa Featherington were leaving the house followed by a maid but he couldn’t avoid turning his head back to see the house. Penelope had not wanted to join them. She hadn’t wanted to see him _at all_ , claiming a headache to stay in her room.

“Was Penelope very sick?” he asked his betrothed.

“Ah, I don’t know, she retired early yesterday,” said Marina, looking a bit uncomfortable and he frowned.

“Are you going to the Dartmouth ball tonight, mister Bridgerton?” interrupted Philippa.

“Yes, of course. I assume you will be going too?”

“I believe we will all be attending,” answered Marina, and then they continued walking. It was nice, but—and he would bet it was because of the mood his mother, Anthony and Penelope had put him in this morning—the conversation was more stranded and less interesting than he had hoped.

It was a nice ball, thought Penelope, standing beside the refreshments table and looking around the room. She was dressed in yellow of course, had decided to believe her mother’s philosophy of the color being a happy one and—to be honest—she needed all the help she could get. She had managed to avoid Colin and Marina in the morning but that would be a lot more difficult tonight.

She hadn’t wanted to come but her mother knew Penelope never got sick and she didn’t have the energy to pretend sickness. It wasn’t worth it anyway so she had picked a dress and smiled and gotten into the carriage before the couple was ready to depart. Besides, she had promised to herself that she would try. And she couldn’t forget she had Whistledown, if Penelope stopped attending balls, luncheons and soirees people would quickly realize the truth. So here she was.

She had already seen a married woman flirting with a young gentleman and heard about a couple’s need to accelerate their wedding when the air seemed to change and she knew Colin had arrived, but she refused to look at the stairs. He was just a gentleman like any other. And he was her best friend’s brother so she had to try to be normal.

“Miss Featherington,” she heard suddenly and almost jumped in the air. “Would you like to dance?” It was Anthony Bridgerton probably directed towards her by his mother.

“That would be lovely,” she responded, giving him an honest smile and putting her hand in his arm. Penelope loved to dance and there were so little gentlemen who asked her that she never said no.

“You look nice,” said Anthony.

“Yellow you mean,” she answered and he laughed.

“That too, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t look nice.”

“You are a nice man, my lord.”

“Now don’t go spreading that rumor to the mamas, Miss Featherington,” said Anthony, twirling her. “I tremble to think something like that could appear on that gossip sheet. And you should see me with my mallet.”

“I would never betray you,” said Penelope, thinking on what she had done just last night to protect them all. “Cross my heart.”

“I know,” he said. Suddenly serious. “And that’s why I wanted to ask you… do you really think your cousin is a good match for Colin?”

Penelope used the moments away from him in the dance choreography to hide the violent negative that rose to her lips. “I—You know I don’t really know her. She seems nice and treats everyone fairly if that means anything to you.” He nodded. “I think… I think Colin’s opinion is the only one that matters. Don’t you?”

“You are right, of course. It’s just, there’s something that doesn’t feel quite right. But that’s probably just me having two of my siblings married so soon. I shouldn’t bother you with this.”

“It’s not bother, my lord,” she said, ending the dance with a bow. “Thank you for the dance.”

“It was a pleasure, Miss Featherington. I’ll company you back to the drinks table?”

“Thank you, I am feeling thirsty.”

“I think I see Eloise, I’ll lead you to her.”

Penelope swallowed but kept walking. She missed her friend and knew she shouldn’t have yelled at her. Eloise wasn’t to blame for her problems and feelings. And she was the very same person Eloise had been looking for so she was not only sorry but also quite nervous and afraid. _What would happen if the truth ever came out?_

“Sister,” Anthony said with a bow. “I bring you Miss Featherington.”

“Thank you, brother,” said Eloise. “I would recommend you to run to the library as I heard mother talking about a list she was wanting to hand you.”

Anthony blanched and then retired quickly, looking at every corner as if he expected Lady Bridgerton to jump suddenly in his path.

“Did she really had a list?” asked Penelope full of curiosity.

“She did, and even had Cressida in it.”

“No! Really?” exclaimed Penelope.

“I think her intention is for him to immediately pick one of the better options.”

“That’s quite brilliant.”

Her friend nodded.

“Eloise—” she started.

“Are you—” Eloise said at the same time and then they both laughed.

“I’m sorry,” said Penelope, very serious.

“I know. Are you okay?” asked Eloise, looking at her as if she could see all the cracks she was struggling to keep together tonight.

“I’m—,” she could once again feel Colin, this time approaching, and decided she could not stand that right now. She would break. She was trying her best but it wasn’t going to be enough. “Can we go to the powder room? I would like to rest from all this noise for a while.”

Eloise looked a fraction of a second over her shoulder before saying, “Sure,” and walking away with her. She could feel the electricity in the air until they entered the hallway.

Once in the powder room she could finally breathe again. The place was as beautiful as the rest of the house, full of flowers and golden framed mirrors for women to adjust their make-up and fix their hair after all the dancing, with several chairs for people to rest too. Eloise and Penelope—never really interested in their appearance—installed themselves on a beautifully carved bench without saying anything.

“I really am sorry Eloise, I shouldn’t have talked to you that way when all you wanted was to share your investigation with me. I was just—” and then a sob escaped from her chest.

It was sudden. She had been in control, had managed to avoid most of the people that truly knew her and would easily find something wrong. But now Eloise was here and everything came crushing down around her again. It hurt so much and she was so exhausted. She had spent the time since the announcement walking around with a hole in her heart and nobody seemed to notice. _Was this to be her future?_

“Pen, it’s okay, calm down,” said a panicked Eloise. “Please stop crying, whatever it is will be okay. I promise.”

But Penelope knew only a miracle could make things okay.

“I don’t know what happened,” whispered Penelope, trying to control her breathing. “I’m better now.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I just need a minute,” she directed her friend a tiny smile but after a minute Penelope realized she really felt a bit better, even if she hadn’t been able to reveal anything to Eloise. “Did you find anything about Lady Whistledown?” she asked in an attempt to distract the other girl.

Her friend started talking excitedly.

“I think I know her identity. You see, I was thinking and, as I told you before, it must be someone with access to all the events of the ton or at least to the rumors the day after, but it can’t be a servant because shouldn’t Lady Whistledown have a lot of money already? So, it needs to be someone with high access, if not a Lady someone who works with them. Anyway—” She stopped abruptly. “Maybe this is not the best place to talk about it, we don’t know if someone is listening,” she whispered.

“What?”

“I’ll explain you later. Are you ready to return? Or do you want to leave? I’m sure we could get Benedict to sneak us out.”

Penelope smiled, now truly happy. Eloise Bridgerton was a force of nature and it was impossible to feel down when she was around.

“I’m ready to return. The sweets looked really good and we haven’t try them yet.”

“Oh, let’s go before Colin finds them,” said her friend, causing a small pang in her chest with the name of her brother.

“Let’s,” she agreed.

Something weird was happening and Colin didn’t liked it. He had arrived that night ready to escort his betrothed and the Featheringtons to the Dartmouth ball but apparently Penelope had departed before his arrival. Why would Pen be avoiding him? Had he said something to her? He hadn’t particularly liked their conversation the night before but he hadn’t been unkind. He could never be unkind to her, she was one of his favorite people in London. Always honest and free of artifice.

As soon as they reached the ballroom he started looking around: for his mother, his siblings and Pen. He couldn’t really avoid it, looking for her was an automatic—and easy—thing with her always dressed in yellows and orange and red.

“Are you looking for someone in particular?” asked Marina.

“Uh? Oh, yes, my brother Anthony,” responded Colin, still trying to find the girl.

“He seems to be leading Penelope to the dance floor,” said Marina, “right there, on the left.”

He finally saw them. Marina was right, his brother was leading a smiling Penelope to the center of the room. He frowned.

“I think Lady Bridgerton is standing close to the balcony doors.”

“Yes. Yes, we should go say hello to my mother,” he said, watching Anthony twirl their sister’s best friend on the dancefloor. Penelope liked to dance, he knew, and he and his brothers were usually her partners as Violet liked the girl and was always remembering them to ask her.

They made their way through the ton and shared awkward pleasantries with his mother, who was very polite but lacked the warm she usually directed to girls of marriageable age.

Several minutes of chitchat later he could see Anthony leading Penelope to the drinks table and he decided he would ask her to dance and use that time to learn what was wrong.

Fortunately another gentleman had asked Marina for a dance and he was free to make his way to Pen and, _oh no_ , Eloise.

“What are you looking at, dear?” asked his mother.

“I saw Anthony over there and I need to talk to him,” answered Colin. “I don’t want for him to disappear on me.”

“Oh, if you find him tell him I have something for him.”

“Do I want to know?”

His mother pondered for a few seconds. “It’s better if you don’t,” she replied with a wicked gleam in her eyes and Colin decided he definitely didn’t. So he gave her a bow and started walking in the direction of his objective.

But then something strange happened, he could swear he saw Eloise looking at him over Pen’s shoulder just before turning around and walking away. He kept his eyes on the girls until they entered the hallway, shook his head slightly and decided to follow Anthony.

An angering conversation and a few dances later he finally found Penelope standing on the edge of the room.

“I hope you are feeling better,” said Colin, approaching from behind.

Her back straightened before she turned slightly. “Mister Bridgerton,” she said, giving him the barest curving of the right corner of her mouth. “I’m quite well thank you.”

She didn’t looked quite well. If he were a betting man he would say she’d been crying and the thought of Pen in distress made him want to hit the responsible. But for the first time she wasn’t acting as open as usual and he wasn’t brave enough to ask.

He cleared his throat. “Don’t you find interesting that the Lady of the house has been missing from her party for almost an hour?”

“Mmm, I think so, especially if you noticed that mister Halloway has been missing too,” she whispered back in a tone charged of suspicion.

“Oh, you are sharp,” said Colin, finally feeling as if things were going back to normal.

He was in a ball, surrounded by people he didn’t liked that much but standing next to Penelope and exchanging gossip as they always did to entertain themselves.

She smiled, but then started looking around as if his presence were making her uncomfortable, trying to find a way to escape. He couldn’t deny that it hurt him.

“Do you want to dance?” Colin asked her, expecting the familiarity of music could settle them.

“I—No, thank you, mister Bridgerton.” _What was it with her and the mister Bridgerton thing today?_ “I’m all danced up already, and honestly, Anthony already danced with me so your family obligations are fulfilled,” she ended.

“What? Penelope I don’t dance with you out of obligation.” She looked him straight in the eyes for the first time that night, face full of nonsense. “Okay, I do sometimes follow the commands of my mother but you must know by now that I actually enjoy it.”

“Of course,” she said, but she lacked conviction. “But I’m really okay now, I’m actually leaving soon, my headache seems to be returning.”

“Oh,” he said disappointed, “do you want me to call a carriage for you?”

“That’s not necessary,” said Penelope. “You should return to your betrothed, there’s a lot of ball left still. If you excuse me.” And before he could say anything—that he had already spent time with Marina, that he was actually missing their conversations and had been looking for her specifically—she gave him a bow and walked away.

Once again Colin kept his eyes on her retiring form until she disappeared. When he turned he caught her mother eyes also following Penelope with a sad frown.

Two days later things had settled a bit. Penelope wasn’t happy—she still couldn’t spend time around Marina, didn’t went to her bedroom to visit anymore because she was afraid she would talk about Eloise and her being like sisters after the marriage and Penelope would surely start screaming and never stop—but she wasn’t as sad anymore. Yes, breathing was hard when she thought about Colin and everything that was to come but the last few days had proved that she would survive.

That trying, pretending to be happy was as good as the real thing.

So the time to return to Bridgerton house had come. She’d always been welcome to visit Eloise and have tea with Violet and the rest of the girls and didn’t want to miss that anymore, not when it still belonged to her only.

She entered the house and was directed to the receiving room without being announced as her presence was a common occurrence. She was just reaching the room when the music started and she stopped altogether.

Francesca was playing—it was easy to pick her up as the musician as she was the Bridgerton more talented in that area—and Colin… Colin was singing.

This wasn’t an uncommon event as the Bridgertons were a nice _loving_ family and they were always talking or singing or playing, and Colin had a beautiful voice. She closed her eyed and settled her weight against the wall to listen for a minute.

She’d knew it was silly and completely impossible but she used to imagine herself as a member of this family. Mrs. Colin Bridgerton, what a joke. Penelope Featherington wasn’t the type of girl who got the guy or the happy ending, she would never inspire poetry—not even terrible poetry—or songs, she wouldn’t made a man fall so crazily in love with her that he’d propose spontaneously.

She’d most likely be a spinster, single forever. _Oh, god_ , she would probably have to live with her _mother_. But not even the prospect of her mother controlling her at forty was as crushing as knowing she would have to watch Colin being happy and in love with someone else, probably having kids, and singing to his wife every time she wanted.

And she would have to try and pretend that everything was right. She allowed herself ten more seconds to drown in self-pity, took a deep steadying breath, and then straightened her back and walked into the room without looking at the pianoforte. She knew Eloise would be sitting separately from the others while waiting for her, probably in the couch in the opposite side of the receiving room.

As it was tradition for her since that first encounter on the park, she could feel Colin presence— _his eyes on her?_ —as soon as she entered, and she could also hear Marina talking with Benedict, but she went straight to Eloise who was lounging in the light blue couch while eating sweets from a box.

“Pen! Come join me in my kingdom,” she said motioning to the place at her side with a sweep of her hand.

“So you abandoned your detective days for a royal position?” asked Penelope.

“Well my investigations have brought interesting results but ruling also has its merits, my friend.”

“Can you imagine?” said Penelope and started laughing.

“It would be brilliant. I would make it so woman could go and study in the same places than men, It’s unfair that we can’t do that when I know we are smarter than most of the men we see every night.”

“Oh, you should also allow for women to own property.”

“Yes!” yelled Eloise, attracting the attention of everyone in the room. “We should write this, maybe bother Anthony to talk about it in the camera. I can be very annoying and he seems down these days so maybe that could be a distraction,” started plotting Eloise.

“I’m sure we’ll remember,” responded Penelope, taking a candy.

“Anyway, I think I finally know the identity of Lady Whistledown.”

“Are you sure?” Penelope asked leaning towards Eloise. It was impossible for her to know the truth, she was sure her friend would have said something to her already.

“I think it’s Ma—”

“Penelope you didn’t tell me you were coming to Bridgerton house,” Marina interrupted. “I would have waited for you.”

It wasn’t that Penelope hated Marina, not exactly, that awful night she had understood that her situation was desperate, but she couldn’t in good faith be a friend to her when she knew the lies she was feeding to Colin and his family.

“I’m used to make the short travel alone so it didn’t cross my mind to tell you,” said Penelope.

“Well, what were you talking about? I would love if you two helped me with some weddings details.”

“Aren’t you to have a long engagement?” questioned Eloise.

Colin heard the question and watched Marina shift uncomfortably on her sit. Most of the clan had been talking on the receiving room this morning when his betrothed had arrived and the room atmosphere had shifted and became stranded. For the first time since the beginning of this he could see his mother trying and how it wasn’t really working. Anthony strategy was to keep his distance, the rest of his siblings not knowing how to behave and Colin started to imagine all the years of this to come.

It was not a nice picture and something like desperation started to settle on his gut. He loved his family, but if he loved his future wife too as he had told Anthony, shouldn’t he be willing to lose all of this for her?

They'd even talked about eloping, a decision it would only make everything worse, but he had given his word and that was the only thing he had of value as a third son.

Frannie had finally make things better suggesting a duo performance and he was in the middle of a song when Penelope entered the room. But instead of approaching them she went straight to Eloise without even looking at him.

Was it going to be like this from now on? Her avoiding her cousin, not wanting to dance with Colin or even looking at him? Was he to lose not only the closeness with his family but also her friendship?

And why did that possibility hit him so hard? When had Penelope Featherington turned into such a key relationship in his life?

“Ah, yes. I suppose it will be but there’s a lot of details that’ll need to be planned,” Marina responded. “You will help me, right? Especially you, Penelope.”

“I don’t—”

“Is everything okay here?” interrupted Colin, trying to steal a candy from Eloise and avoiding an answer from Pen. Something told him it wasn’t going to be a positive one.

Eloise closed the box abruptly, almost trapping his fingers. “I do not share,” she said, ignoring the fact that Pen was eating a sweet in that very moment.

“Mother would be disappointed in your lack of charity,” Colin said in a grave tone.

“Mother has seen the way you eat,” answered his sister sweetly, opening the box again and pointedly saying, “Do you want another, Pen?”

“Of course,” responded the redhead while directing him a look full of amusement.

“BENEDICT, NO!” yelled Eloise but he had already sneaked his hand away after stealing a candy from behind her, and walking around the couch he let himself fall on the other side of his sister.

“You are too slow,” he said while shoving the candy in his mouth.

“Full of secrets is what I am,” whispered Eloise and he could see his brother swallowing. “We had a nice ride on the carriage the other night, wouldn’t you say brother?”

“Well, we have a nice carriage, dear sister.”

“Yes but I’d never seeing you as happy to be in it like you were that night.”

“It must have been the company of my most favorite Bridgerton.”

“Hmmm,” was Eloise only response.

“I think they are hiding something from us, Pen,” Colin said.

“You are less sharp than I thought if you are only realizing that now,” she said laughing.

“Ouch,” exclaimed Colin putting a hand on the middle of his chest.

“Oh, they are finally seeing you for who you are,” said Benedict, laughing with Pen.

“I wasn’t on that carriage brother,” said Colin directing a glare full of betrayal to Penelope. “But I heard of a certain party—”

“Honestly, miss Featherington, how could you say something like that of my brilliant younger brother?”

Penelope gave him a scandalized look and everyone started laughing again. It wasn’t until he felt movement at his side that he realized Marina hadn’t been a part of the conversation at all.

Elopement, he thought, maybe wasn’t the best idea. Maybe Anthony was right and a long engagement was the right path. But when he saw the strain on Marina's face while looking at the rest of the people around he didn’t think that she would be very open to the change, not when she continued to be and outsider even now, surrounded by what would be her new family.

Walking around the house garden half an hour later he discovered he’d been right. A sad miss Thompson had insisted on their plans, almost begging him to depart as soon as possible to Gretna.

Even with all his new doubts Colin agreed, managing to set the date for a week after today. He couldn’t leave before his sister first ball as the Duchess of Hastings, she would never forgive him and Daphne being the closest to him in age had always been the closest of his siblings. He could never disappoint her.

And so the days continued to pass. Colin visited the Featheringtons place, and Penelope did everything possible to avoid him. Of course, that wasn’t always possible and she had to go through the torture of sharing a room with them, listening to them talk and try to involve her in their conversations.

She had to admit the conversations were less intimate than they could’ve been and she counted that as a small blessing. But she missed the small interactions between her and Colin she’d always treasured. She hated the way she had to bite her tongue to avoid adding a quick remark to watch his eyes light up with mirth.

She liked to think she’d at least made him laugh with some of her Whistledown columns but she couldn’t be sure.

She felt strong and fragile at the same time, like if she could survive anything and at the same time would crumble with the softest wind. As if time had stopped trapping her in her worst nightmare and no matter how much she tried and tried and tried to escape all she could do was watch how everyone moved on except her.

In a way she was desperate for this to end, for the wedding to happen so she could finally distance herself from it. Maybe she could convince her mother to let her spend the next season in the country. Stranger things had happened.

Marina was also acting strange, more anxious and fidgety than normal, but she didn’t have any level of trust with her, not anymore, so there wasn’t much she could do about it.

And then Sir Philip appeared.

It was three days before Daphne’s ball and Marina and the Featheringtons were getting ready to go to the modiste for a few last accessories when it was announced that a gentleman was visiting miss Marina Thompson and sir Philip Crane entered.

Marina blanched and sat abruptly while the gentleman introduced himself and told the truth about his brother: about how he had been in the front and writing to the girl when he was killed. How Philip had just found out about the letter. How he was willing to take Marina as his own wife to provide for her like his older brother would have wanted.

Penelope couldn’t believe it. This was it, this was the miracle she’d been praying for.

But Marina had run to her bedroom, crying and clutching the half written letter.

“Marina?” Penelope asked. “Are you okay?”

“He loved me, you know? I thought he was a bastard that had deserted me and our child but he’d been writing to me. And now he’s gone.”

“But… sir Philip is here. You don’t have to go on with the engagement. I’m sure the Bridgertons will understand and you can give your child the name of his real father,” said Penelope.

“No,” said Marina. “I’ve worked for this and I’m not marrying a stranger when I know Colin Bridgerton and I can be happy. Eventually.”

“He’s going to resent you. Do you really not care about his feelings or those of his family?”

“I do, but I care more about mine,” she said putting a hand over her abdomen. “He might not like it, but once we are married I know he will not hurt me or my child.”

“You will destroy him,” Penelope whispered.

“I will save us,” the girl answered. And Penelope walked away shaking her head, all her hopes becoming ashes.

When she returned to the sitting room sir Philip was gone and had given them a card in case they needed him in the next few days, as he would return to the country once his business was settled.

As if nothing had happened her mother started calling for Marina to join them and after a few minutes off they were.

Three days. Three days before he eloped with miss Thompson. The woman he was in love. Probably. Maybe. He was at least in like. Solid marriages could come from that.

The plan was to leave after Daphne’s ball while everyone was still tired and not really sure where the rest of the house should be. He’d be a real man, in charge of his own family. And he’d be happy. It would take some time maybe, but he knew… _he hoped_.

It was ironic that he always joked with Anthony about his watch obsession when he could now feel the clock ticking off his own countdown.

The ball tonight was a smaller affair, mostly because a big part of the ton wanted to save their new dresses and jewels for the new Duchess of Hastings event. But his mother was friends of Lady Wicklow and god forbid her daughters didn’t have a dance partner so they just _had_ to attend.

In any case it was a good distraction. He didn’t think he’d ever needed a distraction so much. He was feeling trapped, as if he could start running in any second and wouldn’t stop until he reached Scotland and then maybe even cross the sea.

A few dances later he saw Penelope across the room and without thinking about it he started to cross the room in her direction. She hadn’t danced with him in a long time, always exhausted, hurt or simply claiming she didn’t feel like it, but they could talk. And he really was in need of some clever conversation.

But he had just reached her side and said, “Miss Featherington,” when someone started yelling full of panic. In an instinctive move he got in front of Penelope, just in case there was some danger in the room, but then he heard his mother yell his name, and Penelope started moving without him, white as a ghost.

That was the moment he saw his betrothed on her knees in the floor, her arms wrapped around her middle with a face full of pain.

“What is going on?” he demanded of the people surrounding Marina, but nobody could tell him. He kneeled beside the girl but she didn’t seem to recognize him. When he looked up he saw horror on Penelope's face and suspicion in his mother’s, but nobody could do anything in the middle of this room so he picked Marina up and started moving towards the carriages to take her home where a doctor could see to her.

“I have never been more disappointed in you, Colin Bridgerton. I can’t believe one of my sons did this to me, I certainly hoped to have raised you better than this,” said a furious Violet thirty minutes later after leaving Marina's room.

“What are you talking about, mom? What did I do?”

“That girl is having a miscarriage, Colin!” she yelled, shocking Colin to his core.

“What?” he whispered. “But that’s not possible. I have never… we didn’t—”

Violet started to lose steam when she saw his face.

“Oh,” she said, “Oh, thank god, you didn’t know.” Her shoulders dropped. “Oh, Colin,” she finished, as if she had no idea what else to say.

He didn’t know either. He was feeling betrayed of course, he had been ready to give up a lot for this woman just because he fancied himself in love with her, had been ready to give her his name and protection. But he was also relieved. He wanted to laugh, maybe return to the dance and spin someone around. He could take Penelope.

Suddenly his mother interrupted his train of thought.

“Portia, I’m sure you will agree this engagement is off. I certainly didn’t expect this from someone of your house,” said a cold Lady Bridgerton.

“Violet I swear to you I didn’t knew. All she told me when she arrived was that she’d had a suitor but he was gone. I would have never encouraged her to do something like this to your boy, your family. Not when we have always had such a good relationship.”

Violet responded, “For the years we have known each other I will believe you. As long as you agree to not discuss the situation with anyone else. And I do mean anyone, Portia.”

“Of course,” she agreed immediately. He was sure Portia knew and his mother certainly thought the same, but the threat of messing with Lady Bridgerton, mother of the Viscount Bridgerton and the Duchess of Hastings was enough to ensure her silence. “I will see you in your daughter’s ball?”

Violet looked her coldly for a few seconds and then nodded regally. Colin could see Portia relax. His mother started to move to the stairs to leave, but before passing Lady Featherington Colin said, “I will return to speak with miss Thompson tomorrow.”

“Yes, mister Bridgerton.”

With that they abandoned the house, and while they walked back to Bridgerton house all he could think was: Penelope had tried to warn him and he hadn’t paid attention, and because of his stupid pride he had almost committed the worst mistake in his life.

The next day was a moved one. Colin was in the house very early, went straight to talk with Marina and stormed just fifteen minutes later without saying goodbye to anyone. Penelope knew he was hurt, but she hoped he wasn’t heartbroken.

She‘d stayed quiet just to secure his chance at love and happiness and would never wish the pain she had gone through this last two weeks on him.

Yes, she had gotten her miracle, but the cost had been too high. She would have rather a life of pretending than the hurt of all this people, including Marina.

She’d been in hysterics most of the night, crying about her love and the lost of the last thing she had from him. Her mother had surprised Penelope and actually tried to comfort the girl, and by the morning she had managed to convince her of leaving London as the wife of sir Philip.

Penelope hoped they’d try to be happy, but there was an air of despair clutching to the girl in a way she hadn’t noticed before. In a way that wasn’t promising.

Lady Whistledown of course wrote about the affair—the incident had happened in the middle of a ball—but she did her best to brush over the facts in a very succinct way, hoping to avoid anymore heartache. It was the same thing she did for the Smythe-Smith yearly musical.

There would certainly be gossip, in this town and in the middle of the season thinking otherwise would be naïve, but hopefully another scandal would rise and things would settle quickly, she'd help where she could.

And maybe… maybe now she could tell Colin the truth. He wasn’t dense and Penelope was sure he'd already pieced together that she knew everything since the beginning, but she didn’t think he’d be angry with her. There was no way she could have done more, not without ruin everyone she loved.

Everyone she loved. Including Colin. And after this disaster, shouldn’t she just tell him about her feelings? She didn’t want to keep trying to look happy. To pretend everything was fine. So she would tell him. At Daphne’s ball she would tell him. No matter what.

After fixing things with Anthony—the second worst conversation after the one with Marina’s—and accepting his brother had known better this time around there was one person he needed to apologize to: Penelope Featherington.

So he was admiring the decorations on Hastings house but also looking for a bright dressed girl on the outskirts of the room.

Daphne had certainly passed this test with high marks. The place looked beautiful, all the chandeliers gleamed, the flowers seemed recently cut and she looked stunning. Simon was okay, he supposed, but it was clearly his sister was the star this night.

He walked around, spending time with his mother, his siblings and the curious members of the ton that were clearly dying to ask inappropriate questions but knowing they couldn’t. He was taking a little pleasure on that fact, but had already decided he would not be able to go through this for the rest of the season. So he’d decided to travel. Anthony had supported his decision without any comment and he’d already procured passage in a ship to Greece.

It was surprising to feel this happy after everything. But he couldn’t leave without talking to Pen.

He located her standing next to a column watching the couples dance and dressed in bright yellow.

He approached her with decision and for the first time in the past couple weeks she smiled as soon as she saw him.

“Pen,” he said bowing.

“Colin,” Penelope said still smiling.

“I owe you an apology. I did not see it at first, but I know you were only trying to prevent me from heartache with miss Thompson, and I was fool,” he admitted.

“You were not a fool,” Penelope defended him with fervor. “You merely believed yourself in love. One should never apologize for that.”

Colin smiled slightly, that was such a Pen thing to say.

“One finds oneself in such an incredible position. And, well, one should declare it,” she continued passionately. “Assuredly, fervently, loudly.”

His heartbeat started accelerating. _He wasn’t ready for this_. Not after he had just gone through.

“Colin I wish to tell you something—”

“I’m going to Greece,” he interrupted her. Stopping the moment completely.

“Oh?” she asked.

“It was you who inspired me, actually. And it feels like now is a good time to do it. Anthony gave his blessing.”

“That’s… great,” but she had lost the passion that had filled her voice just a second before.

He doubted a minute before asking, “Shall we dance, Pen?”

But once again she rejected him. “No… I’m all danced out for the night, Colin.”

He tried to find something else to say to keep her next to him but she just said, “Good luck on your tour,” were Penelope’s parting words, and then he was once again alone and feeling as if he had just done something very wrong.

But he would fix it. There was a lot of time, and he’d be back soon.

Heartache, apparently, was meant to be a constant companion for Penelope.

But, she thought, life could always be much worst. Marina had been the perfect example of that. At least Penelope had her reputation. At least she hadn’t revealed her true feelings.

She had her pride. She had her family. She had her friends, and those friends included Colin Bridgerton. He had looked for her today to apologize, had trusted her with his plans, and had wanted to dance with her.

He liked her. And that was something.

Unrequited love was never easy, but at least Penelope Featherington was an expert on it. So tonight she would cry, but tomorrow she would try to smile again. With Eloise and Lady Whistledown she’d keep herself busy.

Eventually, Colin would return and she’d be able to be the same friend as always. And maybe… well, maybe she’d tell him.

Nobody knew what the future had in hold for them.

**Author's Note:**

> The rest, I think, happens mostly like in the book. This truly was a cathartic excercise. Any mistake is mine as this was unbeta-ed.
> 
> I'm on tumblr @runimpossiblegirl
> 
> I promise the next time I'll work on something M or maybe full E ;)


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